DEFUSE AND RE-USE EMOTIONS OF OTHERS: MAKE THE SALE AND STAY SAFE WHILE DOING IT TOO!
San Francisco, Financial District, February 3rd, 2016
An argument ensues by a man near me as I walk to an appointment. I over hear him yelling, “And first of all you have to understand that!….” His voice trails off as I am on my way to the coffee shop that is on the way to my appointment and while in line I over here the barista reading the Riot Act to a homeless man who has lost his mind long before entering the cafe. “And before getting into all the reasons why you shouldn’t be here, first you should know…” I leave the cafe. That conversation seems that it is going to take a while and will also impede me from achieving my need for caffeine.
Then ducking into a 7–11 for some quick coffee from one of the large cylinders inside. A woman is speaking with her friend that is with her and she says, “Well that was not the first clue that they were pissing me off, but it was the biggest thing…”
As I heard this statement while pouring my coffee, I spilt my coffee while pouring it out. Note 7–11 coffee is brewed at 3 degrees lower than the surface of the Sun. Which is also damn painful.
The real reason, that I was burning myself with self-serve coffee which was now becoming a self-burning coffee, was that it had reminded me of my time as Military Policemen in the Marine Corps. I was assigned multiple duties of being a Guard in the Jails or the Brigs back then.
I pissed off a lot of people and by a lot of people I mean sometimes over a hundred people in one day. It is rare to piss of that many people and not be beaten or killed. I was an MP and as the old joke goes, “You can’t spell wimp without MP!’ I was a weenie with a badge and had no idea. Still, I knew how to be a bully, a shithead, annoying and hurtful to others. One of my supervisor once told me, “Goodson, some people are filled with Piss, Vinegar and Venom. You are just full of venom. It’s going to get you killed one day or you are going to wish you were dead because of it.” I had no idea what he had meant by that at the time.
Soon, the Prisoners that I was “supervising” were giving me negative nicknames. I use those quotation marks around “supervising” because what I was really doing was staring and scanning for violations of the Rules and Regulations. Supervision was just a professional way of rephrasing the word, “Mean Mugging a Muthafucker.”
I was always talking down to people, especially those of lower rank and privilege, namely prisoners. I never let them gain an inch on me. I wrote more disciplinary reports than anyone else. In fact, the Jail’s Investigations Officer was swamped back 2 weeks just because of me.
I was not being a good Correctional Specialist, I was just being a great bully who was looking to ruin people’s days. I was not increasing morale or correcting behavior. I was slamming everyone.
When you have only a hammer, everything looks like a nail and I had no idea how many tools that I had.
Soon I was labeled as a total Asshole by co-workers and I was called a “Mo-tard” behind my back, which means “Motivationally Retarded.” I was considered to be stoic, and to be hard and not caring or capable of emotions. I was a RoboCop of sorts. Soulless. Empty.
I was sent to a course called Verbal Judo and it changed my life. I was told and shown how I was behaving and that the prisoners, the co-workers, the friends in my life were not my true challenge or problem.
I was the problem. I was the Asshole.
Still, the change did not happen overnight.
It took a barroom brawl to show me that I was person starting World War III with my words and behavior. Not the Prisoner who was having a bad day, not the co-worker who was being divorced, and not the drunk with too many jokes at the bar.
Soon, I had learned that I had made “Pissing Off People” down to a work of Art!
If I didn’t get them mad by the first comment or statement, I could build it up into a Crescendo of Angst from a person in merely 5 minutes or less.
Doing it made me feel good. Superior. Better. It made me feel seen and strangely, it made me feel loved by others, or maybe my self-esteem was so wrecked then that it was making me feel more envied by others because I was “So much smarter than them!’ type of attitude.
So what does this have to do with me and spilling hot coffee on myself?
Well, all of these thoughts were going through my mind just moments before pouring the coffee and I was distracted by them.
The man on the phone earlier, the Barista at the cafe, and the woman in the 7–11, they were all riding on the Crescendo of Anger and Angst and had no idea until it was too late and their anger was expressed and let it grow and released it a really bad way.
So when we are listening and observing a person who is stating a series of events or statements in a row, know that all three of those statements or more are all internalized thoughts and feelings and beliefs that are being used to justify how they are “Being” in that moment.
If you are in Law Enforcement, let the guy or gal blow off about 2–3 reasons why he is pissed off, and then interrupt him or her. Restate the reasons back to them in the same order as they said them to you. Why? because the first or second reason is usually not the “REAL” or “LARGEST” Reason why they are upset. It is merely the crutches or the support of the biggest reason that they are Pissed Off People! Restating it back to them will let them know that they are being heard. Certainly, safety is paramount, so be sure to stay safe and make the best decision for Officer Safety and the Safety of whom you are addressing.
Now, I hear some of you saying, “BUT I AM NOT A COP!”
Great point, do you have a wife or husband? This will work with them too!
Are you in sales? This will work with them too!
Have the prospect tell you what they are looking for and why they are looking for a solution. Again, the second or first thing out of their mouth is not what the largest problem or solution that they are focused in on!
Too many times, people do not listen and paraphrase what the other person has said and reflected respect and admiration back towards the speaker without giving a confirmation of what was said to them. Once confirmed in a respectful manner (note: This does not mean agreeing or accepting, merely reflecting the message back to the other person) you can see how the air in the balloon of anger is then released. If not, then you have to move forward. Do what you can without sacrificing your safety and professionalism. Sometimes saying “Goodbye” or hanging up the phone is the best move. Verbal Abuse should never be tolerated. EVER!
Still, the basis is this, the Conscious Human Mind can only maintain and process 7 different things at once, plus or minus 2 items.
Sure, there are really smart people out there but the emotion that they are feeling in that specific moment are truly based on only 3–5 things and then their emotions shift to being an emotion that forces them to search for more justification of the emotion that were just being expressed.
Do not let them shift to another emotion, that will create an unfulfilled emotion cycle and it will cause more confusion and misunderstanding.
Instead, interrupt them and restate the justifications back to them! This will justify their emotion and allow them to listen to you and move them to the next stage, which is resolving the situation in a positive manner.
Remember to always leave people at their worst, better off than how you found them!
So find out what they are feeling and why. Once you have that information, you can lead them to a better place by connecting them to a new goal that will either remove the negative emotion or situation or by making the positive emotion or situation so much better and more pleasureful!
You can do this! I believe in you!
Also, be sure to contact me if you have any questions or stories about how you used this in your own life.
Just be sure to not burn yourself with coffee when you do!
Contact Adam Goodson by clicking here to be taken to Impactful Changes Hypnosis. He has been studying hypnosis since 2008 and leading clients to change since 2010.